A Time to Heal
Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
I am on an operating table in front of a room full of familiar faces, God is the surgeon, he just cut me open from neck to belly button. Everything is out and exposed, I’m feeling vulnerable, transparent, anxious, broken.
Trust Me daughter, you will be healed.
After my divorce, I spent six years trying to fill the void and find my worth from undeserving men. After each of these relationships, I always ended up feeling alone, unloved, unworthy, shamed, damaged.
Ten years ago I decided I needed to make some changes. I started by building a titanium wall to keep all men out, out of my heart, my thoughts, out of my life. I added security in the form of one hundred extra pounds to make sure they wouldn’t look my way.
During this ten-year phase, I got right with God. I started working on myself, started serving in ministries, intensive personal counseling and found an amazing small group family. I discovered the strong, happy, independent, faithful, obedient, HEALED woman of God that I lost after the divorce. To think it only took me nine years!
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord.
“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future.”
Time for what daddy?
Time to stop isolating, you need to get back in the world, let people in. I am preparing a good man for you.
OH daddy, you are so funny, but letting a man back in my life is so not in my plans.
I know my daughter, but they are in mine!
I was obedient and asked my small group to start praying for me, and this man that God was preparing for me. I started working out, getting out, meeting new female friends. I felt alive again! Then it happened and a man entered my life like a tornado. God began to stretch, challenge and push me out of my very guarded comfort zone. This was not comfortable, but it helped me grow closer to God. In fact, our relationship became the strongest it has ever been. I trusted God had His hand on all that was occurring.
So this beautiful soul that God put in my life succeeded in breaking down my wall. We had great conversations and I enjoyed spending time with him; he is unique and unlike any other guy I know. Our friendship started to grow and so did my feelings. There were some concerns and me, being the pleaser that I am, gave my all to the friendship. Him? Not so much.
Daddy, thank you for bringing this intriguing guy into my life, but he is a bit confusing and I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I don’t feel safe and I think I need to jump off this ride.
Daughter TRUST ME!!
No daddy! This is scary and he kind of hurts my feelings. Daddy? Are you there? Are you hearing me?
This man was dealing with his own life challenges. Things were moving slowly, which was a new experience for me. Patience does not come easily to me. I ended up letting my own insecurities get the best of me. I decided to ask him to define our relationship, knowing darn well this was not in God’s will. I took the wheel from Him and did it anyway.
So this guy, being the nice guy that he is and who doesn’t deal with these types of topics very well, started to explain how he was confused on how he felt about me and the relationship. All I heard was the fire alarms and instantly felt the pain of rejection. I did what came naturally to me when I needed to protect my heart. I jumped in my hamster ball and ran away from him and the friendship. No way was I going to let myself feel that type of pain again. I was in protection mode, walls up, I’m done.
God you are fired!!
This man was able to trigger every hurt I thought I had healed, but really these hurts were so well hidden for ten years that they were never dealt with. Then, those old tapes started playing: you’re not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, young enough, creative enough. You are broken, damaged goods. Why would he ever want to be with you? YES, those tapes.
Daddy?? Why did you put him in my life? To remind me that I am broken? To be hurt again? Why are you letting me go through this? You said, that I would not get hurt.
Daughter, you need to TRUST ME. My will be done.
I still don’t have the answer to why the Lord brought this man in my life, and I don’t know if he will be in my future, but I believe God knew it would take a very special man to gain my trust, get through those walls, shake my world up and open up those old wounds. I am so thankful He did because now I am aware that it’s time to work on these broken pieces and burn all those negative tapes. To get my worth from Christ alone. To be able to look in the mirror and see myself the way the Lord sees me; Beautifully and wonderfully made. I am His masterpiece, strong, confident, courageous, His princess who shines from the inside out just like a sparkly star.
Ephesians 2:10 “For we are Gods masterpiece.
He has created us new in Christ Jesus so we
can do the good things He planned for us long ago.”
Now I am in the beginning stages of this healing process. I am back in counseling and just started the Celebrate Recovery Step study. To be quite honest, it stinks; It’s not easy going back in to the muddy trenches of your past. It is a daily battle for me to press “pause” on those tapes.
The operating table is no longer a vision for me. It’s my reality. I am cut open for the world to see, all the toxic mess that is inside of me. With my small group family by my side, with constant support and love, a group of amazing, encouraging friends, tons of prayer and Jesus, I will make it through this storm winning the battle.
Daddy? This healing stuff is so painful.
Daughter I know, but I have big plans for your future, a future that can’t be revealed until you give me all your broken pieces. I promise to get you through this storm. You are safe with
Me. It’s time. Are you ready to walk this journey with Me no matter how rough it gets?
Daddy, Yes, but will you be by my side and hold my hand tight?
Daughter, I will carry you!
Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed,
for I am your God, I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Follow Wendy Lopez and her journey at: https://wendylopezsite.wordpress.com/