A Peek In to My Real Life
I don’t always share about this part of my life. I’m not sure why I don’t other than I know it will open up some deep wounds. But regardless of whether the wounds are open or not, there is always this elephant in the room, this thing hanging out in the back of my mind. So, forgive me if these seems a bit rambly. If it helps one Mama out there hurting, to know they are not alone, then I’m grateful I was prompted to share.
Grief isn’t Always About a Physical Death
Hear me first, the death of a loved one cuts hard. I know, I’ve lost my Mom and Dad and my brother along with tons of other family and friends. I get that type of loss. But there is another death that we don’t always talk about. That’s the death of a dream. The dream that we have our children.
We all hope and dream for the best for our children. We pray for them before they are even born, fall madly in love with them the moment they are born. Mamas you know what I mean, there is this incredible attachment to our children.
When something starts to go wrong in their life, we go into Mama Bear mode and will seek out and destroy whatever is out to cause our kids harm. But what if it’s bigger than you? That’s pretty much sums up how I felt when my oldest son got snagged into drugs.
Dreams began to die. The life I dreamed for him crumbled and there was not a thing I could do about it but pray and be there to pick up the pieces when it was time. What is even harder is knowing he also had dreams, still does. To hear him talk about wanting to settle down and have a family yet can’t seem to get out of his own way, is heart breaking.
No Rainbows Here
I wish I could talk about rainbows and sprinkle pixie dust everywhere. I wish I could post beautiful pictures of him and his family. I pray one day I will be able. In the meantime, there are no rainbows. Just this nagging pain that reminds me of dreams that are slipping away.
At the time of this writing, I believe he is living somewhere in Oregon. Trying to pull his life together. My heart wants to believe that will happen. My experience tells me not to hold my breath. My God tells me to never stop praying.
Finding a Strength Beyond Yourself
I do not by any means have this figured out. I cry out to God, hold on to God and pray constantly. My strength is not from anywhere else but from God. When I allow it. When I’m consumed on a sleepless night. When I find myself just wanting to hear his voice, his sober happy voice. Those times, like today, my strength fails. God doesn’t fail me, but I do.
Mamas, I’m speaking to you. Hang on tight to God. Whatever that means for you. For me it involves a lot of ranting and raving, even cussing. Yes, God can handle your cussing. Then once I’ve gotten it all out, I’m reminded of who is in control.
Holding on to a Tiny Thread of Hope
Grab it! Don’t let go.
I love this line from the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel “Everything will be all right in the end, if it’s not all right then it’s not the end yet.”
Hang in there, Mamas. I’m deep in the trenches too and holding on with you.